and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
