Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
