I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
