Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
