How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
