i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
