I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
