How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
