3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
