Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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