i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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