I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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