My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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