Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
