Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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