i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
