Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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