i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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