So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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