can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
