Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Actions speak louder than pants.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
