Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
