He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
