We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
