thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
