PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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