I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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