I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
