Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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