We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The power of my boobs compel you
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
