She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
