Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
