Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
