Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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