How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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