i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
