It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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