You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
