I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
