If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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