I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
