I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
