I think I died a long time ago.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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