Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
