literally had 100 drinks last night.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
