I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
