is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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