I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
