your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
