I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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