he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
