Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
