There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
