just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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