He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
